


Where Am I Going? Crazy. Wanna Come?

by drabble_drabbles_everywhere



Series: Tumblr Pormpts [21]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Not A Happy Ending, References to Depression, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 00:38:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16051868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drabble_drabbles_everywhere/pseuds/drabble_drabbles_everywhere
Summary: Sirius may be out of Azkaban, but all of his demons are still following him. He just needs to get away, but Remus can't lose him. Not again. Sometimes, you just don't get a choice.





	Where Am I Going? Crazy. Wanna Come?

Where are you supposed to go, when there’s nowhere left to run? Who do you turn to when everyone’s already gone? What do you do when there’s nothing left? How do you move on? How do you heal from past wounds? How do you forgive yourself for doing something stupid? How do you get up everyday, when all you want to do is stay in bed and waste away? 

 

Sirius asked himself these questions everyday. Everyday that passed, with him stuck in Grimmauld place, he would just shrink into himself, becoming even more of a shell of the person he once was many years ago. It was hard for him to get up, but he made himself get out of bed and go about his day. Not for himself, no. He did it for Harry. He couldn’t let himself waste away, not when Remus and him were the only family he had left. Tue he had the Weasley’s and Hermione, but Remus and Sirius had been there since day one, even if Harry didn’t know it. 

 

Today however, was a bad. It was already well past 4 in the afternoon and Sirius had yet to emerge from his room. He left all the curtains closed and had used a locking spell on his door, knowing Remus wouldn’t try to talk to him when he felt the spell. He had been in the house too long, he barely spoke now a days, spending most of his time as Padfoot instead of Sirius. Things were just easier when he was a dog. He didn’t have to think about all the things he’s done in his life. Instead all he could think about was chasing the rats and laying in front of the fire and playing with Remus. More importantly, he didn’t hurt. He didn’t feel the pain of screwing everything up every time they talked about Harry and the prophecy. Instead he just felt happy. Happy to be with Moony again, to be with his pack, even if three of them were missing. Though Padfoot recognized that the rat was no longer part of his pack. 

 

Sirius curled into himself even more. Just thinking about it made him want to disappear. If he hadn’t rushed off after that rat then he could’ve looked after Harry. It would’ve been the three of them and he would of been able to make up for his mistake of making Peter secret keeper. He just feared that they would know James would choose him and that they would try to get their location out of him. Logically he knew that they wouldn’t have been able to, the secret keeper had to willingly tell them, but he was still scared that he would let it slip. They hadn’t even told Dumbledore of the switch, they were so terrified and the war was making them paranoid. They didn’t know who to trust. James had wanted to pick Remus, but Sirius had thought Remus was the spy. James had just shaken his head sadly and agreed to let Peter be the secret keeper. 

 

A soft knock startled Sirius out of his thoughts, nearly causing him to fall off the bed. “Siri?” Remus called, his voice soft but filled with worry. “Will you please come out? I know you haven’t eaten anything today,” Sirius didn’t answer, instead he squeezed his eyes shut, curling the duvet more securely around him. “Please, you can’t let yourself waste away. Please,” his voice was barely a whisper, as if he was trying to keep himself from crying. Sirius just burrowed deeper, trying to push everything away, until he eventually gave in and let his mind go, turning himself into Padfoot so everything would stop. 

 

On the other side of the door Remus stood, shoulders drooped, one hand on the door, and his shoulders shaking as he tried to keep himself quiet. It killed him to watch the last one of his friends, the only man he ever loved waste away like this. He hadn’t talked to the man in almost a month. Every time he tried Sirius would shut himself away or he would stay as Padfoot, ignoring everything Remus was trying to say, until Remus gave up and played whatever game Padfoot wanted to play. 

 

He looked up as he heard shuffling blankets, but felt his heart break even more when he heard the familiar sounds of Sirius transforming into his animagus. What was he supposed to do? There was nothing he could say that would help the other man. He had been in Azkaban too long and all he could ever see was all the mistakes he had made in life. Remus stood there for another heartbeat before he pushed himself away from the door, residing in the library where he could drown his sorrows in fire whiskey, even if it would only give him a slight buzz. 

 

**(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)**

 

It was well past one in the morning when Sirius finally emerged from his room. Logically, he knew this was a stupid idea, but he couldn’t stay in this house any longer. Not if he wanted to survive. If he was honest with himself, he wasn’t really sure that’s what he wanted to do. He had his boots in one hand and his leather jacket thrown over his arm, trying to sneak his way to the front door, but as he got to the library all hope was lost as he was spotted by the slightly buzzed werewolf leaning in the doorway. 

 

“Where are you going?” Remus growled, crossing his arms over his chest. He was angry, but Sirius could see the sadness in his eyes. “You can’t leave. You’ll get caught and sent back,”

 

“I don’t care. Rem, this place, it’s driving me mad. I can’t stay here,” Sirius replied, his voice shaking as everything was starting to catch up with him again. “Where am I going? Crazy. Wanna come? Wanna watch the once strong boy you knew crumble under everything he’s done? Is that really what you want Remus? Do you want me to stay here and crumble in on myself? Waste away to nothing more than a breathing shell?” Tears were pricking his eyes, but he didn’t care. “I’m  _ broken  _ Remus. You can’t fix this. No one can. I know you want me to get better, but I won’t. At least I can’t, not in this house,” Sirius sucked in a shaky breath as he looked into Remus’ eyes. “Please Rem, let me go,” he whispered, his voice almost giving out as he sobbed. 

 

“I-I can’t, I just got you back. I know you’re not the same and I know you can’t get better here, but you just… you can’t leave. You’ll be caught and… I can’t lose you again,” Remus whispered, dropping his eyes to the floor. He just couldn’t watch the sadness the seemed to grow even more as he spoke. 

 

“I’m sorry Rem, but I just… I’m leaving, and you can’t stop me,” before Remus could do anything Sirius had stupefied him, sending him flying into the back of the sofa. “I’m so sorry,” Sirius whispered before bolting down the stairs and into the cool early morning air. He paused, sucking in a deep breath before he apperated away. He didn’t know what he was going to do, but the only place he could think of to go was the old abandoned cottage Remus and he had bought all those years ago. That was where he stayed until a patronus found its way to him, in the shape of a large wolf, telling him that Harry was in trouble at the ministry.

 

Remus would end up being the last one to walk into that cottage. He would be the one to find all the unsent letters that Sirius had never sent, saying how much he still loved Remus, that he just needed to get better and he’d come back. In that cottage, near a forest in a small town, Remus would find the little black box Sirius had hid in their dresser all those years ago. A little black box, that held to wedding bands, one with moons and a little wolf, the other with stars and a little black dog. With an engraving that broke Remus’ heart, causing his inner wolf to howl in lose and pain;  _ The brightest star has nothing on you my sweet wolf.  _

 

It was the same ring that Remus would wear around his neck for the next few years. Even when he married Tonks, he never took that one off. Not even when he went to battle, knowing he wouldn’t be coming back. Instead he clutched it tightly in his hand as he drew his final breath, thinking of nothing but the grey eyed boy he would be seeing so very soon. 


End file.
